Wordy Wednesday: Extreme Anxiety and Social Awkwardness, Both Online AND Off (Pt. 2)

Might I just start off by saying that my anxiety is sky-high just from writing this post?

Okay... trying to figure out how to even properly start this. I've wanted to write something like this for a while, but especially lately, it's becoming more and more relevant.

As much as I'm totally completely utterly extremely grateful for all the support I've been getting (both emotionally/mentally and financially), I've gotten to the breaking point where I'm so overwhelmed with it all that all I can do is curl up in a ball and either stare at the wall, stare at the TV but not know what show I'm watching, or attempt to sleep (sometimes I sleep WAY too much, and sometimes I can't sleep at all). I think this is from a mix of my normal physical (and emotional/mental) exhaustion of living with EDS+ and the additional pressures of replying to many many messages/comments/emails either wishing me well or asking me for advice and help.

And I feel like an utterly horrible person for often doing anything possible to not have to respond (at least for a good while).

These people have either taken time to send me beautiful messages of encouragement and/or message me because they think highly enough of me to seek advice and help with their own fight with EDS+. The very LEAST I can do is reach out and thank and/or help them.

And honestly, I usually do. And I LOVE doing it. But there's many times when it takes me FOREVER to do, if I do so at all.

What kind of terrible person AM I?!?!?!?


Anyways...

Many people who "know" me/know of me would likely describe me as an extrovert. But that is not me at all. I've thought about this very question for numerous years; what am I? Sure, I have my seemingly extroverted moments; occasionally chatting with strangers on the bus (when they start it generally), singing in front of large audiences, creating videos for YouTube, writing this very blog...

But I've come to the conclusion that I'm not an extrovert. I'm an extroverted introvert. By my own definition, an extroverted introvert is someone who is an introvert at their core, but for whatever reason, they have learned to "fake it" under certain circumstances.

For me, I think I have more than one reason to "fake it." As far as performing (singing, acting, piano...) in front of (many) people, I think my reason is simply that I LOVE singing (and acting, and piano...) and it makes me feel good to share it with people (unless they tell me I suck and totally rip my performance apart... then not so much). But as much as I'm often told that I don't look it, I always get EXTREMELY nervous. Like, to the point of throwing up before I go on stage. And then shaking so badly after that it looks like I'm going into shock. But, I still love it!

And as far as my online persona... I suppose it's because I sometimes really do want to be an extrovert, but lack the ability to do so with ease. So, when I create this online outgoing version of myself, I have full control over what I put up and when. For example, with the videos I've made in the past (such as my video about EDS), I'm able to take as much time as I need to record and record, edit the bad parts out, and put it together SLOWLY with LOTS of thought and self-criticism. This is SO different from, say, talking spontaneously in front of a lot of people. Because I can't edit what I say in real life, so it creates extreme anxiety for me. I either talk wayyyy too much or I hardly talk at all. That doesn't seem to make any sense, but it does when you know the reasons behind it.

Yeah... those reasons. I basically alternate between the two extremes, which probably really confuses people. Sorry, people. It confuses me, too.

But even online I can be extremely awkward. 

For example, any online social interaction that doesn't give me an opportunity to take as much time as I need to think out what I'm going to type. 

And that's pretty much what happens when I get a message on Facebook now, because with this lovely new feature, people can see when I've read their messages. So then I feel rushed, and like I need to reply as soon as I've read it. But I often can't reply as soon as I've read it (and/or I want to take time to think about my reply), so now I'm at the point where I take forever it even OPEN and read someone's message. Which means I often forget about the message and I never actually see it.

It's terrible. I know. But I'm just being honest.

Even Facebook friends etiquette (that I probably just made up in my head) kills me. For a long time (I think I've had Facebook since 2008?), I tried to limit my Facebook friends to only good friends. Then I got more lenient, especially when I would get home from summer camp and want to swap pictures and stay in touch with people. Now, I have over 900 Facebook "friends." 

I know that's a lot, but I don't know how to delete people. I mean, I know how to physically do it, but every time I go to do it, I have second thoughts.

What if I see them again in real life? What if I end up reconnecting? What if they need someone to talk to? What if I really hurt their feelings? Blah blah blah blah...

So I usually chicken out.

And whenever I receive a friend request, I go crazy with anxiety. And lately, with all my EDS advocacy and such, I get a LOT of friend requests. If I know (and like) the person, great! "Confirm" with no second thoughts. 

But if I don't know the person in real life...

WHAT DO I DO?!? Do I know them from an EDS (or other) Facebook support group? If yes, have I actually talked to them a lot? Should I accept it? Or should I message them and at least try to get to know them a bit first? Is it wrong to accept friend requests from some people I know only from online groups but not others? Is is sexist to feel more comfortable accepting an "iffy" friend request (someone I don't know from real life) if they're a female?

So I often just leave it hanging. I don't click "confirm" or "delete request." Because, what if I realize later that I DO know them? Then it would be awkward to add them after I deleted their friend request. Or what if I get to know them? Same dilemma. 

And that's why my requests page looks like this. YES, that is 91 friend requests, and no, that isn't all of them (I do occasionally delete/accept requests).

Anyways...

I guess the point of this post is if you send me a message (through Facebook or even email or text) and I don't reply for a long time (or ever... gulp), I'm SO sorry. Please be patient and try to picture just how much I'm probably freaking out at that moment. If it's really important especially, please send me another message just to remind me that you'd like a reply. But please be gentle and kind, because that second message reminding me to respond is probably creating even more anxiety (even if it IS necessary sometimes).

I WILL do my very best to reply though. I know it's important, and I really DO want to.

I just suck at it. BIG TIME.

Tip: if possible, please make your message as short as possible. For whatever reason, the shorter the message, the more likely I am to respond. Then, when I respond, you can respond with more information. Etc, etc. I think breaking it down like that just makes it more manageable for me.

Consider this post part 2 of my "why I suck at social situations" mini-series. Post 1 is here.

If you actually read this whole thing... WOW. Thank-you.

I feel a lot better after getting some of this out, even if no one reads it. But I may just direct people here when I'm having a particularly hard time responding to a message...

Hopefully this post is decently coherent. I'm literally bouncing in my chair with adrenaline and too exhausted to read it for the 3285629586th time (though 3285629586 times really SHOULD be enough read-throughs... but not for me).

-Sarah